Why won’t you help poor Joe Hockey out?

You ingrate bastards. Why won’t you help poor Joe Hockey out? You sit there in your miserable hovels, darning your threadbare socks, and you simply refuse to do your duty and spend, spend, spend to get Joe out of the hole.

Jeez, it’s almost as though you don’t have any spare money to supercharge the economy and make him look good. Anybody would think you’re so poor you can’t even afford to drive a car, and you have to catch an Uber to the yacht club or something.

What, are you so stupid you’re paying tax? Is that it? Is that why you’re crying poor now? That’s hardly Joe’s fault, is it? I mean if all those big companies can go to the trouble of setting up their diabolically complex corporate structures to offshore 99 per cent of their profits while putting their hands out for a tax refund on hundreds of millions of dollars in totally legitimate expenses, well, it makes you look a bit shoddy doesn’t it, cobber? Why haven’t you done that? Don’t you love Australia or something? What are you, some sort of leaner are you?

Those private school fees you insist on paying because so many billions of dollars have been ripped away from the public school system that it’s a form of child abuse to consign your little darlings there, don’t you think Team Australia would be better off if you just blew them on a new TV? If you don’t have the folding stuff in your pocket, maybe you should think about getting another credit card. And no, no, no. Don’t start bleating about the evils of borrowing to fund consumption. This is an investment. Think of it as underwriting Joe Hockey’s next cigar purchase.

Maybe you could even emulate him. Lash out. Get a really fat Cuban, something to give you the head spins so that you can go on dizzily, mindlessly spending money you don’t have just to make Joe look good – ironically, after Joe raked at the heart of the Australian social contract because he and his ilk insisted the country couldn’t afford to live beyond its means. (Unless, you know, most of your assessable means are stashed away in a post box in the Cayman Islands.)

Maybe … oh bugger it.

I can’t stay in character any more.

Bottom line, these guys are in danger of being turfed out of government after one really lousy term because of crap like this. Most governments take years to lose touch with the people who elected them. These clowns were never in touch to begin with. Is it any wonder they now face the wrath of an electorate that would not trust them to organise a piss up in a brewery? On current form Abbott and Hockey would empty their bladders into your schooner and tell you it was low carb pale ale.

They have no effing idea how most people live. How most people struggle to pay for the basic necessities of living. How one simple unplanned expense can precipitate utter chaos and disaster. And the fear, of course. The fear of slipping and missing the safety net because these swine snatched it away to fund tax breaks for their corporate mates. A car breakdown. A stupidly large phone bill. An illness or injury. These are the things people fear, Joe. The indulgences they are spending their money on. Money they often have to beg and borrow from friends and relatives.

They’re not spending it on cigars. And they’re not spending it for you, you bastard.

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