I am led to understand, by the distant squeals of outrage I faintly hear drifting up from the downstairs quarters, that some of the lower orders are a tad put out by any suggestion that those of us with a mere hundred and eighty-five thousand in the back pocket might consider ourselves hard done by.To which I can but reply, how dare you! The very cheek of it! I am spluttering with outrage, spluttering I tell you! Partly because I’ve been pulling on this velvet bell rope for three minutes now, waiting for the footman to summon to splutter-boy to come clean up my mess and nobody has responded to my summoning at all.I’ve a good mind to have the whole bally lot of you put out of doors.
You might imagine that the Prime Minister has either lost his mind, or is indulging in some sort of bear-baiting exercise with his budget eve statement that a family income of $185K is not especially high, but that is only because you probably have no chance of rubbing even a hundred and eighty-five little dollars together all at once, rendering you profoundly ignorant of the immense pressures we are under here at the very thin end of the income curve. It is also possible that your diet of pencil shavings and hamburger helper has given you rickets, which I believe causes brain infirmities.
Nonetheless, I shall attempt to explain. This electronical newspaper column that you are undoubtedly reading on some disgracefully cheap Android tablet was composed entirely on a large 5K Retina iMac. Why? Because although i have two iMacs only one of them is a 5K retina model. Only one. And it’s the one with the nice window view. The other one is inconveniently located looking out of my slightly less nice window view.
Do you not feel my pain? The PM does. He knows I would like two massive high definition computers to work at overlooking two very nice views. But struggling to get by on the franked dividends and offshore interest payments of an international super author that is just not possible this financial year. Oh woe is me!
And I am scarcely alone in being forced to live like an animal in this fashion.
When the Labor socialists were of late in power (shudder) they almost introduced so-called reforms that would have made it slightly more difficult for me to claim my BMW as a business expense. Am I supposed to chauffeur little Quentin and Persephone to the Hapsburg Academy in some sort of hideous Korean farm vehicle? Well? Am I? I know I am not alone in having these concerns. All of the luxury car dealers I know shared them.
You will understand, then, that we are somewhat irritated by the complaints of you who have so little, about those of us who have so much. After all, we have so much more to lose than you. What does it matter if you were to give what little you had to make our lives that much easier. You have so little! It’s impertinent and quite ungracious of you to try and hold on to it when sacrifices need to be made. After all, your lives are already so benighted and bloody miserable, you really should just endure a little more wretchedness for the sake of those of us with something to actually lose.
Please try to remember that tonight.